Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
