Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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