I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
