i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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