So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
