Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
