i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
