Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
