i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
