porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
