im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you traded sex for a burrito?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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