I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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