Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
