my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
