Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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