I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
