Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
