u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
