this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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