So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
