tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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