he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
