My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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