No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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