if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
