Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I need to align my fucking chakras
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
