I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
