I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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