I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
