The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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