Just mADE A PArabola og urine
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
