Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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