Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
