I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
