yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
