apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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