her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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