Jerry, you need to find god
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
