We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
