your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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