I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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