you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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