I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
