I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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