You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
