I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He better not be in your backpack
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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