I want to walk on stilts...naked
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
