I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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