She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
