I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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